


When I Left

by UNCONQU3R3D



Series: Fate Duology [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Kyungsoo's POV, Life Debt, M/M, Reminiscing, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 08:48:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14712926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UNCONQU3R3D/pseuds/UNCONQU3R3D
Summary: The morning after, Kyungsoo feels more awake than he had in a while. It's all because of the stranger who saved him, the man that he's about to leave behind.





	When I Left

**Author's Note:**

> This work is the part of "Fate Duology" series and cannot be read as a stand-alone.

 

Warmth and safety. Kyungsoo had craved these things many times in his life. Unlike most people, he always had a way to satisfy these cravings. A hug from his mother, warmth incarnate. A friendly ruffle of hair from his father, the ultimate safety. And once his daughter came into the picture, he could have these things every day, every night.

 

But as he woke up to the sound of birds outside the window, he realized that he had been about to do something bad last night. He went to get a drink after... (It was painful to remember the memorial service) He had drank until he could forget everything.

 

And then an idea, brilliant and ingenious, came to him.

 

Everything would be okay if he just _died._ He'd be in the same dimension as his family and then nothing would hurt. At the time, it made complete sense.

 

But now, lying in the arms of a stranger, he was feeling clearer than ever. He didn't open his eyes, and savored the feeling of warmth a bit longer. He remembered his stupidity from last night, the audacity to think that he could just end his life and meet his daughter without regrets. It felt foolish now. He couldn't face his daughter after killing himself. Soobin would be devastated.

 

Instead, he realized that he was left with very little options. He could die. Or he could live. Two paths, but with same destination. One path would lead him to death soon. The other would be long, agonizing struggle until death found him first. Either way, he had some big decisions to make.

 

First, he had to make himself move. It felt too safe, too perfect to lie next to this man. Byun Baekhyun, his _saviour._ He wanted to stay here so badly, to gain more kindness. But he knew he couldn't. He was already indebted beyond measure.

 

His eyes opened and he was again struck by the strange yet silent beauty his saviour possessed. He wasn't overly perfect. There were slight flaws all over his face, the eyebags, the pimple, the twist of his mouth as he slept. But to Kyungsoo, in the morning light, the man seemed to glow like an angel. Maybe he _was_ an angel for real, sent from heaven by his daughter to save him. Maybe Kyungsoo _wanted_ him to be an angel, someone who couldn't be real.

 

Last night, when he first bumped into him, Kyungsoo had only seen him as one of many faces around him. All smiling, busy with their own lives. He had only seen a college student, a few years younger than himself, going about his life like he already knew his destination.

 

But as the night went deeper and Kyungsoo was saved and then dragged around on a harebrained tour by this man, he slowly started _seeing_ the person underneath the smiles and cocksure exterior. He realized that Byun Baekhyun was probably the _only_ person who could imagine the pain he was going through. The only man who could dare to claim such a thing.

 

From his lonely eyes to sad the note of his voice, he had transformed into someone irresistible for Kyungsoo, and not just because he was saving him. Because for the first time since his wife's death, he found that someone else could make his heart beat so fast, make his breath hitch, make him feel something _other_ than that overwhelming agony. He realized that meeting this man had been a clever trick by fate.

 

But he had to leave. Because they were strangers. Because there was nothing more he wanted from this man, he'd already taken so much of his time, of his kindness. He'd taken more than he would have dared, if it was any one other than Baekhyun.

 

He couldn't get into another debt. He was already lost on how to repay the first one.

 

Last night when Baekhyun had asked if he was doing it to say thanks he almost laughed. Even if he tore off the stars, he still wouldn't be able to fully thank him. His debt was just that great.

 

Instead, he decided that he owed him at least his name.

 

Crawling closer still, he whispered against the man's lips, _"My name is Do Kyungsoo."_

 

In the morning light, it felt too bold, too suggestive to offer his name. But he shivered with awareness of the truth, the trust he was putting in this man. So he whispered it again. He stole a kiss. And whispered once more.

 

Then with a titanic effort, he freed himself from the man's embrace, careful not to wake him. He was dizzy, and drunk with the tenderness that the man had shown him. He walked towards the bathroom, washed his face and then gathered his own clothes to wear them. After dressing, he bent down to gather the man's clothes, fold them and put them on the table. He also folded the borrowed clothes the man had been so kind to share.

 

As he wore his shoes, he realized he'd left his phone on the bed side table. It was vibrating with an incoming call. It was loud, and the man stirred at the noise. Kyungsoo moved faster than ever, and threw himself into the man's sleepy, reaching arms. He hugged the man until he was soothed back into the sleep.

 

Reaching behind, he grabbed his phone and accepted the call. He kept his voice soft, trying not to wake the man. But his friend, Jongin, was hysterical on the other side, nearly screaming.

 

"Please tell me it's not true! Please tell me that they _weren't_ in that plane!"

 

He now felt guilty. When he received the call that told him about his family's demise, he hadn't called anyone else. He couldn't even remember the words, much less the names of his friends and colleagues. So he had attended the memorial service alone. After that he been too emotionally charged to do anything else but...

 

"It's true. Can you please come get me?"

 

He knew that he was worrying his best friend. But he couldn't keep the conversation long. He told him the address and then clicked the end button.

 

Only then he realized that he had put himself right where he _shouldn't_ be. Byun Baekhyun had his arms around him again, tight and reassuring. His lips were pressed into the side of Kyungsoo's neck and his breaths stirred the fine hair along his skin. He was again overwhelmed by the scent of him, the heat of his body. Once again, reluctant to get away from the safety bubble Byun Baekhyun provided.

 

He tried to get away, only to make the man groan out. He moved again and Byun Baekhyun grumbled something that sounded like, _"Stay..."_

 

Kyungsoo was torn. He _didn't_ want to leave. He _wanted_ to leave. He didn't know what was real, his own life that had been saved, or this soft glow that permeated everything around them because he was in the arms of this man.

 

With the last of his effort, he untangled himself and tried to escape. Though, he couldn't leave without explaining himself. He found the pen and paper in a drawer and started writing his honest thoughts. He tried not to give away the conflict of his emotions regarding his saviour, but he said what he knew he should say in order to fully show his gratitude.

 

And lastly, he wrote his name.

 

He left the paper on top of the sheets that covered his saviour irresistible body. He stood there, watching him sleep. He took out his phone and took a single photo of the sleeping man. And then he walked out of the apartment. Every step that he took away from him, was heavy and unbearable.

 

His friend sent him the message, letting him know that he was close by.

 

Outside, the morning was bright and smelled of the rain that fell last night. He hadn't known about it because of the heat of Byun Baekhyun's embrace. But now he could see the damp patches on the asphalt, drops clinging on the leaves.

 

Jongin's car came into view. He didn't have to signal. The minute his friend spotted him beside the street, he was speeding towards him.

 

That's when his first test presented itself to him. He was half ready to just step into the path and let Jongin's car _end_ him. The thought came so fast, so easily he didn't even stop to question it. And then he remembered that soft touch of Baekhyun's lips on his neck, that murmured word. _Stay._ He blinked and stuffed that dangerous thought away in deepest depths of his mind.

 

He knew that from now on, he'd have to struggle to keep his promise. That he won't try to take his life again. But he didn't know if he could always succeed. He would _try,_ of course.

 

Jongin all but ran to hug him. Earlier, Baekhyun's hug had reminded him of his parents, his daughter. But Jongin's hug was making him feel cold. The emptiness and darkness threatened to swallow him.

 

It took him a moment to realize that Jongin was crying. That he was saying something.

 

"I didn't want to believe it," Jongin gasped. "I thought everyone was lying about Soobin and your parents. Because you'd have called me, right? _Why_ didn't you call me?"

 

Kyungsoo found it very odd. "How does one call anyone?"

 

Jongin frowned, not understanding.

 

"I didn't know what to do, and even if I called you how could I say that my Parents, my Soobin was dead and I... How do people do that, really?"

 

He couldn't understand why calling anyone was important. What would it _achieve?_ A bunch of people gathering together and crying... He had cried several times in the last twenty seven hours, and knew by now that no amount of tears would bring his family back. He had realized that despite his miraculous existence, he was absolutely powerless in front of death.

 

He had tried to give himself to death, since death enjoyed taking so much. But even that had failed. Death eluded him. And now he had made a promise to get himself away from death until it was his time.

 

Jongin was devastated. But he was still talking, "And what about the message I got? Why was someone else using your phone and why did it say that you were trying to... That you were... It's not true, right?"

 

He spared Jongin by lying, "No, it isn't. And I don't know who sent you that message, I was a bit... out of it."

 

This seemed to satisfy him. He grabbed Kyungsoo's hand and led him to the car. "You're staying with me. And then you're going to get yourself together and..." That seemed to be the end of his pep talk.

 

Surprisingly, Kyungsoo knew what he needed to do. He'd already put his house up for sale. But he was going to get a new one. A bigger one.

 

He could avoid thinking about death if he kept himself going, kept busy. And his head was already telling him what he could do, what needed to be done. But for now, he'd let Jongin fuss over him.

 

As the car pulled out of the parking, Kyungsoo looked up at the building, finding the window of Byun Baekhyun's apartment. He had a strange, sudden desire to see the man again, standing in the window, watching him too. But there was no one there. His saviour was probably still asleep, not knowing that Kyungsoo was already gone.

 

Taking his phone out, Kyungsoo sighed at the picture of his daughter. _I'm going to get my act together, Soobin-ah._ He opened the picture gallery and found Byun Baekhyun's picture. He hadn't expected to feel a new kind of pain when he saw it, but there it was. The pain of loss, of longing.

_I hope we meet again. I want to meet you again._

 


End file.
